Staying sane as a SAHM and homeschooler to boot!
August 25, 2008
9:29 pm
Inspiration, Personal Stories, Tips and Tricks
A few years ago, my friend Deidra, a successful and smart career woman, became the mom of a precious baby girl after already raising one son to adulthood and spending several years in the workforce. In the beginning, they made the decision for her husband to stay home and she would keep on working. But over the months, they decided that it was time for Deidra to come home and be a stay-at-home-mom while her husband returned to working outside of the home. Deidra loves her daughter deeply. She missed her like crazy every day they were apart. But making the decision to stay home, raise your kids, and in some cases, even homeschool them, is not always an easy one. Sometimes it’s a sacrifice…a LOT of times it’s a sacrifice. And on many different levels. Here is what Deidra said at the time after being home for a while:
“I feel like I’m stagnating in a pond of my own making….stuck in a rut….frozen in time.I know that I can’t be alone in these feelings. Have you ever dealt with this? Your life seems so full and wonderful….any words of wisdom for a friend who is doing the right thing, but struggling to find my identity among the dirty diapers and never-ending mess in my house?”
Here was my answer to Deidra’s email:
“I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to get back to you. I’ve thought about this email every single day and wanted to write you something terribly eloquent and inspiring but just couldn’t get it together in my mind. Maybe because my husband’s been gone this whole week and so I’ve been playing double parenting roles and my brain is in a blender because I’m a SAHM with 7 kids! Of course, if I was trying to work outside of the home, come here and be expected to make nice meals and keep the house clean, be a sweet mommy, and still have any affection left over for my husband…well, I’d not only be tired, I’d probably be divorced…or close to it! I can usually scrape together enough energy to be mommy, but my poor husband is the one who ends up with the short end of the proverbial stick and then ultimately, the kids are suffering as well.
You know all that already. Its just tough because you don’t get those professional strokes as a SAHM that you got at work.
I’ve just had to really WORK over the years at doing things that kept me sane and growing spiritually, emotionally, and mentallly. Sometimes it seems just easier to stay in the drudge mode…but then you’re unhappy and unfulfilled and that’s really not what God wants for you.
I know its an effort to make an effort. I know that the temptation to just do the minimum and then veg is so appealing…at least it is to me. But what made me happy was when I was working at finding meaning and relationships.
I know that you and I are alike in some ways (we’re both smart though I’m a lot ditzier than you are and we’re both strong) but we are also different in other ways so some of what works for me might not work for you. But here’s some things I’ve done over the years to keep my sanity and keep growing, even to the point that 99% of the time I feel very fulfilled and purposeful:
*Work on campaigns and stay involved politically. When my oldest daughter was little, I’d put her in the stroller and I’d go around our neighborhood hanging up signs for candidates. I also attended the Young Republicans monthly lunch meetings (with baby in tow), helped with a local political debate, wrote letters and called politicians, listened to talk radio and called in with my opinions and endorsements, encouraged my friends to vote, donated money to campaigns, and worked a campaign phone bank.
*Stay connected with other women. I’ve worked at building and sustaining relationships by doing playdates, hanging out at the park with other moms while the kids play, talking on the phone, writing letters, sending emails, being a part of a great online forum, participating in women’s Bible study groups, reaching out to my neighbors, going on trips away from home WITH my girlfriends, being active in cell groups, joining homeschool groups and now leading our’s, inviting women over to my house, and going shopping with friends.
*Stay connected with God. Listen to my favorite Bible teacher online, read Christian fiction books, make myself pray, read scriptures to the kids, listen to Christian music, spend prayer time with hubby, go on retreats and to ladies’ conferences, be actively involved in ministry suited to my gifts and schedule, keep a prayer diary, read online Bible devotions and Christian women’s blogs.
*Keep sharp mentally. Read books that stretch my brain (such as classics), listen to talk radio and national public radio, be a guest host on a local radio show (actually did this 3 or 4 times), lead or co-lead homeschool seminars, write creatively on my blog, learn new skills or explore a new subject, write book and movie reviews at Amazon.com, write Listmania lists at Amazon.com, become president of an organization, browse online news sources daily, read “serious” articles in publications such as theological or deep thinking political journals, play scrabble (and almost always win!).
*Feel good about my outward appearance. Try to walk everyday, learn about nutrition and cook healthy foods, take time to primp before hubby gets home, everyday put on makeup and fix my hair plus wear jewelry, buy clothes that make me feel good and happy as money allows.
*Use my education and job skills. I was a Family and Human Dev’p major in college and in my pre-mommy days worked in various jobs including mental health case management, children and youth ministry, & preschool educator. I’ve used these skills and experiences in my mommy life as I coordinated the preschool ministry at the last 2 churches where we’ve been members. I’ve taught VBS for years and actually directed it the last 3 or 4 years. I teach children’s church and help lead kids’ worship. I use things I learned as a mental health case mgr at different times in my personal life and ministry…sometimes its in helping people find resources they need in the community, sometimes its just to help me better understand a child with special needs and modify a church ministry activity to suit their needs. I use my early childhood education experiences as I homeschool my kids.
*HAVE FUN and ENJOY LIFE! Paint my toenails silver, listen to oldies music, wear fun jewelry, use good smelling toiletries, decorate my bedroom with jungle beach monkeys, make up silly songs to sing to the kids, plant a garden, own a duck, read good books, laugh at silly movies, laugh at silly books, eat some chocolate every day, stop at Sonic for cold drinks, go on walks with hubby nearly every day, buy a Napolean Dynamite keychain and actually use it, hang up things that make me happy on the wall above my pc (cards, kids’ artwork, photos), do silly online quizzes, eat PoPcOrN for supper, dance with my husband, throw parties, call friends, send ecards, go on roadtrips, learn how to do something new, enjoy a hobby, attend class reunions and make it a goal to bless everyone I talk to, have big girl slumber parties with friends, buy cheap but cute flipflops, wear fun socks, take lots of photos and bore everyone with them, organize potluck dinners, go garage sale’ing, take bubble baths, buy a new lipstick, pick flowers, drive around town looking at pretty houses, go to the zoo, learn corny jokes and then tell them, watch HGTV or THE FOOD NETWORK, read cookbooks, watch Rachael Ray’s shows and then try new and exotic recipes, do crafts with the kids, play cards, make lists OFTEN of things I’m thankful for.
WOW! I didn’t know I had all that in me. And obviously I don’t have ALL this going on in my life at ALL times (though the chocolate and lipstick are pretty consistent). But these are just ways that I have found that keep me feeling like I have purpose and meaning in life, keep me grounded in God, keep me connected with others, and keep me happy.
Hope that something here sparks something in you that helps you through this rough patch. You know that being your little girl’s mom is the most important thing in the world. And you are a great mom, now let’s work on helping you feel blessed, fulfilled, and purposeful!
BIG SAHM HUGS and KISSES, too (lipsticky ones, of course),
Elysa”
Btw, my friend is not only STILL a SAHM but has now taken the SAHM bit a step further and made the decision to homeschool her daughter. To read about Deidra’s life and all that God is teaching her along the journey, visit her blog at: http://deidrasheart.blogspot.com/
Deidra :
Date: August 26, 2008 @ 3:10 am
You are such a wise woman and you continue to be an inspiration to me. I have used your suggestions many times in the last year and have finally broken free from the rut. : ) I’m so glad that you are sharing this here so that many more will be inspired too.
Elysa :
Date: August 27, 2008 @ 6:13 pm
Thanks so much for your very, very generous and kind comment, Deidra. I’ll have to make sure my kids don’t see it as their gales of laughter will totally negate the warm, loved feeling I’m experiencing right now!
And thanks again for letting me share your part of the story.
Love you and am proud of the sacrifices, positive changes, and wonderful life you are building for those in your life.
Elysa